I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
