Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
