my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
