she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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