I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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