Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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