chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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