If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
