Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
