Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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