i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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