Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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