as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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