I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
