Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
