I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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