I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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