he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
