someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
