So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
