His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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