babies were throwing up all over the place
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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