it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
