Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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