Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
