Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
