Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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