he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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