you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
