I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
