There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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