Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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