You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
