I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize