All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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