He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
