I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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