Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
