I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
