BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
