Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
