I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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