I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
