I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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