we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
