Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
