dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
