i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
