yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't deserve a penis
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
