An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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