I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
