make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
