Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
