so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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