tell your sister to shave her snatch
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
