Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
