in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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