Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
