Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
