That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
