She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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