Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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